Thanksgiving Turkey - Extreme Cooking @ 39 cents a pound.

For the novice, cooking Thanksgiving Dinner may seem a daunting task. This need not be the case. One simply must shed some of the treadworn myths that have grown around this colonial feast. The following are some of my simple tips for the not-so-traditional Thanksgiving bird:

1. Install a brand new First Alert® Smoke alarm just above the stove. This will reassure your guests, and also function as your default “timer”. Make sure the batteries are fresh.

2. Thawing the turkey: This is an unnecessary and overrated step. Many traditional chefs will recommend that you to place your frozen bird in the refrigerator for up to 3 days allowing it to gently thaw, and not damage the flesh. Ignore this "goody-2-drumsticks" advice. YOU will be cooking this bird at 550 degrees, and believe me, it will thaw.

3. Remove the plastic mesh and plastic wrapping from the turkey before cooking. This is a necessary step. Many of today's yute think that turkeys actually wear this webbing on the farm, and thus leaving it on makes for a naturally prepared bird. Not so! This plastic covering has been added by the manufacturer so they do not have to print their logo and other information directly onto the bird's skin. The plastic should be taken off just before cooking. Do not omit this step!

4. Remove the neck and giblets from the cavity, they have been hidden there long enough. This is an optional step. Leaving the paper wrapped neck, liver, and gizzard in the cavity may provide structural support and flavor during the cooking process.

5. Basting the bird: Unnecessary. Turkeys are naturally quite moist since they spend a good deal of their lives standing in the rain with their mouths open. This makes for a very moist and tender bird. The manufacturer also injects the turkey with extra liquids to insure maximum body weight and "juiciosity". Water, salt and fluoride usually comprise this mixture. The recent addition of fluoride has been suggested by the FDHA, since most people drink bottled water and are short on this vital ingredient.

6. Check messages on cell phone. This is to make sure phone has not been left in the cavity.

7. Place turkey in pre-heated oven and wait. Wait at least one half hour for each pound of turkey, taking care to listen for the alarm.

8. Finally: Presentation: Serve on a large platter with parsley, canned yams and “goblets” of Ocean Spray Cranberry juice.